r H Y nolite

oh much thanks to angela too! =P thanks for doing the links on my blog. in case u guys dun noe where it is... it's just right above... top right. although i really wish pan feng's link be renamed PIG... but... well i'm a html idiot... maybe i should learn it when i have the time... =P

thanks angela!

beep beep beep beep yeah!

- drive my car, beatles.

ah short input.

listening to the beatles now, my dad found the cd's in a closet we haven't opened for 4 decades... =p just realised their songs are actually very soothing to listen to. i think i realise why they have such a big fan base during their time. much cheers for the beatles!

doing maths now.. common test on wednesday, have to buck up. my dad's not happy i'm getting elephants for my results... =(

hopefully i will get my fatty r tomorrow, leon's becoming a pain in my arse making me wait the whole weekend for the fork. i hope he will be at home today afternoon, then i can put the fork on clara and try it out!

there are three things i am most afraid of in life: homosexuals. height. and death. no, i am NOT going to write about gays tonight after what has been happening in class recently ( ghee chuan u suck! stay away from me u gay! yikai too! ). more to the point, i'd like to express what i feel about dying. first of all, i'm terrified of dying. i may not be the first person to express my fear towards death, but i think i'm the first guy to say it on blog.com. yes i am. i'm TERRIFIED of death, not just scared or afraid, but terrified.

this conclusion came after a lengthy discussion with myself or the past month or so. it all started one night when i was showering in the bathroom when suddenly for no apparent reason ( things happen to me for no reason, so get used to it ) i started imaginating about myself 80 years in the future, like when i'm so damn close to the end of the road. wait. no. imaginating ( is there such a word? imagining doesn't sound right ) is too mild a word. i fast forwarded my life to 80 years into the future. it's a feeling i get like i'm actually living in that time, not just imaginating...

so let's just say i looked old, felt old, and definitely was so afraid of being old. yes, i was literally pissing in my pants with thoughts like that, only that i didn't have... well that's beside the point. anyway, there i was sitting on an old wooden chair, living in an average apartment, just waiting to die. i was so old, so weak, so fragile, i couldn't afford to do anything else but sit there and stone. reflecting on what i've done in my life, i concluded that there are still much things i want to but haven't got the chance to do. however, it was too late, way too late. i was old. old and weak. and fragile. useless. just waiting for death to come collect my wrinkled up body and soul.

fast forward another couple of months, and then i'm now lying in bed about to go to the other world, if there was any. i'm too weak to turn my head to look at the people surrounding my deathbed praying for my peaceful going ( that's questionable, some people may be hoping i get the hell on with it and just go ). i try but am too weak to even open my mouth. to open my damned mouth to tell them i'm not ready to go. i don't want to die yet. in that moment the only thing more alive would probably be my thoughts, which by now would have gone into overdrive filling my mind with reluctance to die and hope that somehow somewhere someone would give me a jap and turn me back to the young me. but i know that it's not going to happen. nobody lives forever, but i'm not willing to accept that. i just plain don't want to die.

then i would think of all the things i will be leaving behind, thinking about how when i close my eyes this time i will never be able to open them again. never to open them again to see the sun rise one more time. never to open them to see my loved ones, never to be able to hug and kiss them and tell them how much i love them, especially *her*. yes, when i die my second last wish would be to see her one more time ( my last wish would be to not die ), just to see her face and let her know that all these years even though we've gone our seperate ways she's always been with me in my heart, my soul, my everything. only that this time my heart's going to fail, my soul's ( yes i believe in souls, but not god ) going away, and everything would be lost. i'll never see her again, i'll never see them again. not ever. this IS the very end of my life. i'll never see the sun again. i'll never see the moon again. hell i'll never see anything in this world anymore. there is just too much that's going to be left behind. and i'll not be ready to lose them forever. not now, not tomorrow. not ever.

sometimes i tell myself life's a disease, that we're given it just to die from it. sometimes i tell myself life's a gamble, where at the very end there is just no possibility for us to win. death always wins. he always does. damn, why the fuck can't we just live forever?

no matter what i do in this life, and the end of it i'll never be satisfied enough to be willing to leave this world. at least right now i don't think i will. and it's a scary thought i'll never get out of this mess alive. death will always find me, no matter where i run to or hide in...

damn.

Is Mike There

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?" I asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

By - Anonymous

shit.

now it's a crying pig.

shit.

my god.

i have a pig sitting beside me now.

my god.

Michael Learns To Rock
Crazy Dream

The party's on the room is crowded
your conversation is so polite
And when you dance you keep your distance
noone's gonna walk you home tonight

You're searching for perfect love
you dreamed of when you were young
you'll find it or you won't have anyone

Chorus:
Why not forget your crazy dream
about a love that can't exist
'Coz while you dream so much you miss
you waste a lifetime

Just take a look below the surface
his golden hair will be turning grey
Though in your mind you pictured heaven
even heaven has a rainy day

No one can touch a dream
so forever you've been on your own
you're older and you are still all alone

Chorus:
Why not forget your crazy dream
about a love that can't exist
'Coz while you dream so much you miss
you waste a lifetime

Why don't you take a look around
not everyone has settled down
But you still think you're seventeen
It's a crazy dream

So take a chance and take your shot
No paradise but it's all we've got
and I will try to make your dream come true

this is for all those who think true love will come to them: ur wrong ( most of the time ). stop living in ur dreams and start living ur life!

i love clara. i've known this fact for all the time i've been with her, but this time it's a confirmation. she's the most beautiful creature i've ever met, and probably the most beautiful creature i'll ever meet. she's the perfect companion for me.

even though i've been ignoring her due to other commitments for the past year, clara never complains. everytime i get home, i'll see her sitting there waiting for a chance to go out with me. sadly, i never did. still, she stuck with me all the time, being that strong and yet gentle support holding me whenever i was down and out. she's always been there. she is my shelter from the storm, my sanctuary from all the insanity in this crazy little world. she's the peace i go to when chaos knocks on my door. when i'm with her, i'm what i am. myself. that's all. i'm myself when i'm with clara. she makes me who i am. without her, i'd be nothing but a clown living people's life for people, never knowing when i want and love. without her, i'd be nothing.

i love clara for who she is, and i know she loves me too for who i am. that dumb bastard who was so blind not to see the angel who's always been with me all this time when i was looking for one. that's what i am. a dumb ass. one BIG dumb ass. she could have left me for somebody else. somebody better. somebody who would cherish her more than i did. but she didn't. she stuck with me. now i see the light. when my commitments to my studies are over this year, i am going to spend every minute of my life possible with clara. not just to make up for the time lost last year, but also to bask in the warmth of her companionship. we'll travel the 'world' together. anywhere i go, i'd wish clara was with me. and if it was possible, she will be. anywhere, everywhere, no matter where.

i'm not going to lose clara like i lost *her*. this time i'll make known my feelings for clara, and i am going to do everything i have to do just to keep clara by my side. and i know clara is never going to leave me.

clara's the best thing that ever happened to me. that's the one thing i am so sure of in the midst of all these uncertainties.

i love her.

it's 5 in the morning now. damn i'm so poofed out. just finished formatting, installing and reorganising the stupid computer in my room. started at 2, and i've just finished everything. hope this bullshit doesn't happen again, at least not for another 2 months i hope, it's real time consuming. dumb viruses, wonder why people even bothered to create such things. is it really human nature to destroy instead of creating and preserving?

well actually i didn't manage to get out of the house to accompany clara to the park or something, i just realised there were some things that screamed for my attention and i had to fix it before i could get out the house. unfortunately, when i managed to get everything done, the sun was setting and there was no time to rush out the house to the seaside to watch the sun go over to the other side of the earth with clara. mmm maybe today i will do that. it's been some time i watched the sun set with clara man... ok, the main story was i stayed at home the whole damn day. sheesh what a friggin boring day.

now that i think about it, i realised everybody around me is getting attached. hetero, homo or bi, relationships come in all shapes and sizes. the only problem is that it doesn't knock on my door. i really question myself if this is a good or a bad thing. sometimes when i lie in bed at night i feel so damn lonely not having someone to hold, yet somewhere on the other side of my mind something tells me i'll never treasure anybody but... well... but someone. that someone's come and gone, i never seized the chance, and when she left she left a big hole in my chest, the hole my heart used to reside in. sigh. after that incident 2 yrs ago i've never felt the same towards anybody else in this world anymore. maybe there would be incidents where infatuation would seep in, but after serious thoughts, these infatuations would be just what they really are. plain infatuations. there's probably nobody else in this world i wanna spend the rest of my life with except for her. and i let her go. what a dumbass i am. alexis' mom once told him ( then he told me ) that i would grow up to be a very lonely man. it seems to be coming true now, and right now in the middle of the night i really ponder on whether this would be a good or bad thing. i mean, being the perfectionist that i am, i will never settle for second best. every girl i see now, i see faults. i cannot imagine life with any other girl anymore. maybe i'm just being too critical, but she was as close to perfection as i ever could have wished. no other ever came close. when i was around her, there was never one moment i felt uncomfortable. i really wish i'd have the chance to let her know how i feel about her just one more time. once would be enough, i'll do everything i can just to make her mine. but it's almost impossible now, we've gone out seperate ways now, and our roads are probably never going to converge ever again. all i can do now is to walk on my own road wishing she was here with me.

but that's just about what i can do. wish. hope. pray. wait...

Unwell
Matchbox 20

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

wow. school was so boring today. an hour of transportation time used to get me to 3 hrs of lecture. all in all wasted 4 hrs. wow what good time managament. maybe i should screw the rest of the make up lectures. then again, i'll miss out on alot of things in school. sheesh i'm stumped.

here i am sitting right in front of the computer looking out the window. it's 6 in the evening and the weather looks good enough for me to ride. but. but what? i don't know. why am i sitting here? i should be out there with clara, not stuck at home with nothing to do, now that my dad just told me to stop playing max payne ( great game, second best only to the hitman series ) and get an afternoon nap... either way i'll be wasting time. sheesh...

listening to matchbox 20's new album now, more than you think you are. great album. 'disease' and 'unwell' are the top two on my list now. describes almost exactly how i feel about some stuff right now...

Disease
Matchbox 20

Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebody's heart break
But now I have to let you go
I have to let you go

You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go

No one's ever turned you over
No one's tried
To ever let you down,
Beautiful girl
Bless your heart

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease

Feels like you're making a mess
You're hell on wheels in a black dress
You drove me to the fire
And left me there to burn

Every little thing you do is tragic
All my life, oh was magic
Beautiful girl
I can't breathe

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease
I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that won't take long till
I'm free of my disease

Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease

I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that won't take long till
I'm free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease

yeah, i just want some people to leave me alone. yet i crave attention. maybe crave is too strong a word. guess i just like to be noticed. attention desperate freak. no i'm not desperate. i just like attention. damn, what am i saying? maybe i should go ride now, clear my thoughts.

19th April 2003. Saturday. Early Morning.

Just came back from the ride just 3 hours ago. wow. had a great time. as expected alexis didn't make it up the square, but he's showing *some* signs of improvement though. on the other hand, this improvement is so minute maybe only a trained eye like me can see... alexis if you're reading this, haha!

great time, but not due to my riding though... couldn't do crazy stuff coz alexis was so engrossed with *trying* to get up the square, and there wasn't much crazy stuff i could do there, so i just mainly practiced my basics and also tried to create some new moves. things like bonk to front wheel... damn i still can't get that move dialed in though... other things like my surge, yeah i surged up the square ( this is for you alexis!!!!!!! muahahahaha!!!!!! ), and my sidehop's still sketchy like the last time... and there's this other move i can't find the balls to do... hmm... gotta think about it another day.

alexis and i rode down to shijin's place today though, but he wasn't home, so we called daphne down to talk and show her some of what we could do on my bike. then it happened. the one move i hate the most. ' slipping ur pedal off the shoe and getting it to BITE into your shin. ' this time it was really really hungry, took a whole chunk of my skin and meat off my right shin. then there was daphne looking on in shock and disjust with what was coming out of my shin... no not bugs!!! blood!!! initially the blood was really eager to get out of my leg, spewing everywhere... okok that's an exaggeration, but blood was really dripping out of my wound. soon the whole center portion of my right shin was covered with blood. if you wanna see it you can ask me to show it to you, but it's really a bloody sight, haha! it's still bleeding now, but at least it's not trying to climb out of the huge cavity. wait. wait wait. i think... i see my bone! oh.. nono it's just raw meat.. damn..

riding was cut short due to the fact my younger brother needed help with his homework and mom insisted i get home early... and i had to get drenched in the rain to get home *early*... only to find my brother managed to finish his homework without any of my help... ..|..!!

well alexis is still such a great person to talk to. i emphasize still because i haven't really chatted with him for such a bloody long time. it's real nice to actually find someone who listens to you and actually not trying to say things about himself/herself. i hate those kind of people. tell them something that happened to you, they shrug it off and go on talking about something that happened to them. what the fuck dude?!? if you ain't gonna listen to what i have to say, how the fuck you gonna expect me to listen to you?!? and it's not like i don't listen to people, coz i do. so don't have any ideas about me not being a good listener, coz i am. well... at least i think i am. and alexis, this is for you: i feel damn lucky to have you as a friend dude, but you still need to brush up on your pedal hop. haha! and as for the rest of you guys/girls reading this: go look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you are the type of motherfucker i just described. if you are, well... go fuck yourself then. don't bother reading this too, coz you'd probably not getting any of these words into that little pea brain of yours. don't like what i'm saying? tell it to me in my face dude, don't go complaining to people. then again, maybe you just don't have the balls to do that too. =)

basically alexis and i were talking about everything under the sun, how some tutors in vjc are fuckers, how some other teachers like mrs ting hs and mr chan ks and the other teachers in my ct ( ms tey, mr ho, ms ding and mrs lim ) are really such nice people to have as tutors. cheers to the nice ones, fingers for the fuckers. then again, maybe not my finger. maybe use your own? i ( and alexis ) hate it when tutors are so damn concerned about the school's results and ranking blah blah... MOE didn't pay them to do that, did they? if it did, then fuck the MOE too! god damn it, i'm so sick and tired of the phrases ' it's not in the syllabus ' , ' not going to come out in exam ' and ' the marks for this test will be taken into consideration for your final year result slip. ' SHIT! what the hell man!?! did i come to school just to pass exams and get friggin good grades and nothing else? if that's the case then i might as well just stay home, coz it's pointless, you tutors have got no answers to my questions anyway, don't kill my curiosity, i'm not going to turn into some fucker who knows ONLY how to get good grades. life's meaningless like that, and if you ( the reader ) are one pathetic mugger, get offline and kill yourself by crushing yourself with all those TEXTbooks you have in yer damn room. or maybe you could try jumping off the window, but if you're living on the ground floor, then maybe you should use your brains for the first time of your life that you ain't gonna die jumping out and look for more creative ideas to kill yerself. oh! i forgot! 'education' killed your creativity! haha! well then maybe you should use the books option then.

shit. i just lost my train of thoughts putting the bold on words.

18th April 2003. Friday.

this is the very first time i'm actually writing a blog, under the influence of some of my friends, mainly jasmin and angela... hopefully this will not be the last. =) i don't have and neither do i like the habit of keeping such stuff, ESPECIALLY on the net. basically i got myself rhynolite.blogspot.com because of rHYnolite. my alter-ego, something like the slim shady to eminem, only rHYnolite is not THAT evil, not THAT shady. if you don't know who eminem is, you should probably go kill yourself. then again, maybe not. think twice. life is precious, don't waste it, and don't shorten it. oh what the hell am i talking about?!?!?! i'm going off-point. ANYWAY, i got this blog mainly because i didn't want any other dumbass holding onto rhynolite.blogspot.com... that'll be a big copyright issue. maybe i should trademark rhynolite. buy over it's copyrights from sunringle.com... then again, i'm broke... so... argh! what am i talking about!?!?!?!?

today's going to be a good day. alexis and i have renewed our passion for trials ( think www.biketrials.com, www.observed-biketrials.com, www.trialskings.com, www.vtcz.ch, blah blah... you're gonna be hearing alot of trials if you're going to go on reading my blog... ) and have decided to go for a whole day ride later today. the problem is i have to call him at 8am in the morning... which will be a challenge because i'm so used to waking up at like 2pm in the afternoon... mission impossible, but i'll try.

alexis says he's going to try to get up the square at tampines. frankly i don't think he's going to make it, but who knows? miracles can happen, and alexis sometimes do things way out of my expectations... we'll just see. as for me, i'm planning to work on my moves like my sidehop, which i'm still having difficulty deciding which side i wanna hop to... and of course my front wheel bonk in... i'm not going to waste my time explaining what THAT is. actions speak louder than words, you'll have to see it to understand...

going off to sleep now... i had better if i wanna wake up in the *morning*.

rHYnolite.